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In My Write Mind | Kicking Worry’s Ass

98% of the time I don’t worry about things. Worry is such a useless, toxic emotion. When I catch myself drifting into that 2% area, I quickly mutter, “I ain’t gon’ worry about it.” And it works. Usually. If worry wins the battle, I surrender and let it run its course because clearly, there must be some kind of lesson I need to learn, right? Okay, bring it.

There’s only two things I worry about: my finances and my health. That’s when Worry sends her goons Hypocondria and Money Problems to do her dirty work.

Hypochondria sometimes gets the best of me. It’s triggered by a little ache or pain whereby I swear I have some fatal illness such as cancer or an autoimmune disease. The ache or pain usually goes away on its on in a couple of days or my doctor checks me out and says, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” Thanks doc, but don’t think I didn’t see that micro eye roll. I quickly forget all about my demise. Superwoman is back baby!

Now, Money Problems? That heffa doesn’t fight fair. One slip up and your ass is out on the street rubbing a growling stomach. Money Problems may have won battles in the past, but not this time. Listen, I’m about to let y’all all up in my business right now: I had a past due light bill and the services were scheduled for shut off the next day. Hey, times are tough these days. Anyway, I was worried because I didn’t have enough money to pay the bill in full. I asked someone if they could loan me the money, but they weren’t able to help me.

Money Problems had me pinned down and the countdown commenced. I went limp and accepted defeat. Being plunged into darkness wouldn’t be so bad would it? I mean, before the invention of electricity people got by just fine with candles. I could rough it. *Giving myself a serious side eye* Girl bye. You freaked out that time when the electricity went out for a day on account of the local power plant catching fire.

I got pissed and decided to fight back. I wasn’t about to let Worry and her thug Money Problems get the best of me. What could I do though? Maybe the power company would let me have an extension. But, they wouldn’t be open until the next day. That meant I would be Worry and Money Problems’ bitch for another day. Oh hell no! I refused to spend another minute messing around with those two. So, I logged into the power company’s website to see if I could request an extension immediately. Sure enough, I could.

Ha! In your face, Money Problems! I won the war. Now, throw me my damn parade.

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CUT TO THE F*CKING CHASE | HOW TO KEEP HOLLYWOOD FROM TOSSING YOUR SCRIPT

Dear Fellow Screenwriters,

I know you are excited when you get permission to submit a script to a production company or studio. They’re going to flip open that script, be blown away by your writing, and call you up to ask if they can buy it for one million dollars, right? Of course!  So don’t blow it by sending crazy looking packages like this.

Crazy Package

It literally took me 3 minutes to open this package.  I had to whip out a box cutter and put my back into it.  The last thing you want to do is make it difficult to read your script.  Why?  Readers are swamped with mile high piles of scripts waiting to be read.  If they fee like they have to break into Ft. Knox in order to read a script, guess where it’s going.  The TRASH!

package2
Sealed with tape and INDUSTRIAL staples.

I didn’t throw this script away though.  I don’t do that because as a fellow screenwriter, I have a heart and wouldn’t want anybody to throw my script away without reading it.  But, I was annoyed and tossed it to the side to read whenever I can get to it.  Most readers aren’t as nice as I am though.  Your script will be in the can before it’s in the can.  Get it?  No?  Sorry, I write drama, not comedy.